I've been tossing around the idea of writing this for awhile now...just tough to formulate things into words.
I worry constantly about my group, and overall, I admit the toll it's taken on my health is sometimes questionable. The hours I put into it, the money I spend on it I probably could, or should, spend on better medicine for myself, or meat for the freezer, or better brands of dog food...I guess I kinda put myself out there, totally, in everything I do. The paranormal has been no different.
But my worry for my group, is I wonder sometimes if we're doing enough...if maybe I should just put more effort into it. I worry about this, every spring, when the slow season hits...idle hands are the devil's playground, and my shoulders are burdened enough without the worry of doubt, you know? But KMPI has always stood for helping people. And that's what we do. We help. I haven't had contact with many other groups lately that have been out for anything other than self-indulgence. Constant "territories" and "allegiances" being formed, I fear sometimes we're going to be left behind in this movement...but remaining small has allowed us to make big moves under the radar of others. So also, growing bigger worries me a bit too!
The activities of other groups does not go unnoticed to me, part of the many hours I remain awake on end, sometimes sleeping only 2 hours a night. KMPI has been planning so much, and so many things come up, and so much falls through, it's difficult to keep up sometimes.
But my big issue is I take much of this on alone...and I shouldn't, I know, but I do. I've always been that way. My family life was different from my wife's, and I am very much alone in this world, even when I am surrounded by my friends, my family, and my fellow KMPI-ers. I'm not anti-social, I'm just introverted, I guess, to a degree, and many people don't know half of what goes on in my head.
I have, at the gentle nudges of my team, decided to become a better leader. And to do that,I am, in part, opening an arrow-slit of a window into my soul in this blog, that my group and others my see me as I am. I'm going to be a better leader by getting on top of things, by keeping my team in order, by staying on top of and ahead of the game on technology and information. But more than that...I am going to become a better leader by allowing my team to be a team...not a group of individuals working in unison...I want us to come together as a mini-family of sorts, I want one hand to know where the other is, and what it's going to do before he or she knows it. I am going to be a better leader by letting go of my damned pride, and by hopefully not trying to take on the world by myself! And hopefully, you'll all forgive me if you think I didn't believe in each and every one of you, because I do. And I want you to believe in you also...and someday...maybe learn to believe in me a little too! ;)
These last few years have been tough for me, I've made many changed in my life and the transitions have been less than pleasant internally...but as I gear into what I love, and whats important to me, I want to become more structured, less cluttered, both internally and externally...and I intend to dedicate myself to the paranormal, instead of dedicating the paranormal to me.
So many people have questions, concerns, experiences. I want to be the difference in peoples lives once again. I don't want my group to be "just another group" I want to stand out, and I want to do it, if possible, without the cut-throat tactics, the conspiring, and the showmanship that has gone on for so long. I owe every ounce of integrity that I have left to my family, and my team. I have assumed the leadership of this team, and with your help, I wont let you down.
So line up ya'll....I'm gonna need a good kick in the rear end to get me going!